Draft 2 Writing

The first sentences of my writing

I saw a smile from a woman, the sincere smile from a woman that loved me very much. Then, I cried and hugged her. I apologized to her. She asked me to stop crying. She promised me not to go anywhere. She asked me to be calm and she held my hand for a while.

The Elaboration of the choice of my from of writing, summary, and work consulted

I want to write a short story about family. I choose to write a short story because I have made an essay about family. Thus I want to write about family in another writing form. The short story will be about a seventeen-year-old girl named Annisa. She is only an ordinary girl. She is not too smart but she always tries harder to achieve her dream. However, Annisa doesn’t have a good relationship with her mother. She always thinks that her mother is not good enough. She thinks that her mother is too busy with her work and doesn’t care with her. One day, she can achieve one of her dream. She can go to school in the different town and can leave separately from her mother. She is very happy. Unfortunately she finds that living separately from her mother as not easy as she has imagined.  Now, she knows that friends can’t always help her. We need our parents. The conflict comes when she knows that she suffers tumor. At that time, she feels that nobody cares about her condition. She even doesn’t tell anyone that she suffers tumor. She feels lonely, until one day her mother knows about Annisa’s sickness. Her mother always gives motivation to her. In that time, Annisa knows that her mother has loved her very much. She feels guilty to her mother and she apologizes to her mother.  The story will start in the hospital, when Annisa will be operated. When she is being operated, she dreams. I will tell the story through Annisa’s dream. She will dream about her experiences living separately from her mother. The story will end when her operation finishes. My mother has inspired me to write this story.  She is the best woman that always listens to my story.  Thus I love her very much. Ibu, the Trans TV program that shows about sacrifices of mothers also has inspired me. This program shows that every mother love their children. The book from A.Fuadi , Negeri 5 Menara, has helped me to make the story about someone who lives separately from family.

Word Count : 355

Work Consulted

1.      My mother

2.      Ibu, The Trans TV program

3.      Negeri 5 Menara by A. Fuadi

4.      My essay, Even A Call is Very Meaningful for Me, it tells about my experiences living separately from my family

5.      Soulmate by Deepak Cophra, I get a good quote from this novel, I think that it is appropriate for my short story

Future References

1.      “Love isn’t something you feel. It is something you become.” Soulmate By Deepak Chopra

2.      “Trust should be like feeling of a one year old baby when you throw him in the air , he laughs, because he knows you will catch him ; that is trust.” ("Confidence, Trust & Hope," 2007) ; from my essay.

Question

1.      Can I tell the story from the dream of Annisa?

2.      What do you think about my story?

3.      What should I do to make this story more interesting?

4.      Has the using of “I” in this story been correct? Or Should I change it to “she”?